Posted: July 29th, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: Being creepy on the internet | Tags: day job, funny, I have really good ideas, iphone, social networking, stalking | 1 Comment »
a whole 'nother' way to waste the day.
So there’s a social networking site called Google plus. It’s new, and I’m on it. This is a whole new third chance to make a fourth impression in the social networking world. I’m doing this by using sidebangs and sunglasses to let everyone know I’m cool. I”m like, “hey guys, I’m new here at goople. Sup?” Super chill. But seriously, I want to let you know what my attraction is to Google plus because I like to endorse things willy nilly for no money. They have these things called ‘circles,’ and you can put different people in different circles and have different things viewable supposedly so your grandma doesn’t have to hear about how much you’re going to masturbate all over the likeness of Megan Fox’s naked body that you drew in your journal. I made a circle called BFFs and I’m going to post everything I ever wanted to say about tampons and butt pimples in there. Honestly I think the last thing any of us need is another social networking site, but supposedly in this new world of technology and e-everything, if an aspiring author wants to publish a book, she should develop some kind of readership and self-promotion skills-so they say.
That’s really boring to talk about.
Let’s switch gears and talk more about the potential for circles. I could create circles based on what I want from certain people and how I want them to see me. Like maybe I have friends that are really sympathetic and good at comforting words, so I’ll make a circle called ‘the crying corner’ where I can complain about cats and boyfriends. YOU GUYS! I could make a circle for only my smart friends where I spout off about the GDP and how to synthesize a methylated alkaloid! I could make a circle of people who I know are really squeamish and judgmental and post a bunch of bat shit crazy things like that I’m cooking cats and eating them in my Satan worshipping chamber. I just have to figure out how to use it AND I need more people to get on there, then I need the sun to come out because the beach would have been a healthier way to spend the day! I could make a circle for all my writer friends, and one for all my exercise friends, and one for all my cat-fancying friends, and one for all my Dr. Who-loving friends. All I see is circles. More of what you want and less of what you don’t.
That’s why I have googly eyes for google plus right now. It’s got curves in all the right places.
just like Megan Fox.
Posted: June 23rd, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: Being creepy on the internet | No Comments »
It's so easy to bring me chocolate.
So sometimes people post on Facebook about how they want to kill themselves or how they are crying or something illusive but dark that leaves their friends wondering, ‘oh jeez, is fuckface okay?’ Well this fuckface just wants some gaddamn chocolate, and you know that’s a really easy thing to procure, but guess how much chocolate I’m eating right now. None. Its not like I’m asking any of you to talk me off of the ledge or read my stupid blog or anything. I just want a Macadamia Lacey. Why am I so crazy? I think I’m going to end it all………………………………………………and by ‘all’ I mean this emptiness in my stomach which is presently devoid of any cocoa or cocoa related products. Oh my god. I have milk. No one is bringing me oreos. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaahh.
I know I titled this “inspiration,” and that may have been deceptive, but it was deceptive of my ’friends’ to ‘friend’ me and then not do the work that’s involved.
Posted: March 30th, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: Being creepy on the internet, Weird ways to fail at men. | Tags: Crazy, porn, social networking, stalking, you're dumb | No Comments »
Hey! How'd that get there?
When I say “I’m,” I mean “you’re.”
I think social networking has made people more neurotic, self-centered, and just plain creepy. When I use the word “people,” I’m mostly meaning “me,” but I think everyone is a little like or at least trying to be or not to be like me.
I’m still Facebook friends with my ex and am conflicted about that because of what I’m about to write about right now. I’m just going to bring you into my head. You see, it’s not like I drive past his house to see if he’s home and it’s not like I ever would. I live on the other side of town now for Christ’s sake. So I go on Facebook to mind everyone’s business and see what they are eating, and I of course look at his page. I mean we used to spend every possible minute together, so what do you expect? It’s right there. All I have to do is click a damn link, and I think most people either do this or lie and say that they don’t do it. He knows that I’m going to do this.
So I see this bullshit facebook flirting and picture-posting crap with another girl, and in my head I’m just thinking, ‘So that’s what we’re doing? We’re just going on dates to the snow and tagging eachother in pictures? Huh? Two weeks, huh? Two weeks is all it takes, huh? So now I have to go on a date with someone and flaunt it all over Facebook? Is this your new girlfriend? Is that what I should do? IS THAT WHAT WE DO NOW?! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!’ If you have ever screamed inside your head, you know what I’m talking about.
I mean, you can block a person but that gives the implication that you’re too weak to be able to handle seeing an internet profile. Also, I blocked him the second time we broke up, and that ended with us moving in together and then breaking up again. Wow that sounds stupid but have you noticed the title of this page? This is all so weird, and social networking on the internet is what our kids are growing up with. Can you imagine how neurotic they are going to be? Can you imagine going through puberty with access to to the daily drama and musings of a bunch of other people who are also going through puberty? I want to put on blinders and sound an alarm and rock back and forth in the basement sometimes. Guess what though! I have grown up hormones and more experience in getting through bullshit. Guess what else! I don’t have a basement and never have. How do you rock back and forth in a room that doesn’t exist? You don’t. That’s how.
I’m mostly okay and really wanted to write about this cool cat I know, but I had to expell that from my brain.
Posted: March 23rd, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: Being creepy on the internet, It's a parent | Tags: aliens, chicken, dinner, green lights, you're dumb | 1 Comment »
The world is this small
Guess what. Even before the video of the girl walking into the fountain, I knew something very important was missing from our electronic devices. Like, sometimes I text or play words at stoplights, and the light will turn green without me knowing, and then the person behind me will honk (rude), or I’ll miss the green light completely (fucking up my trip). I think marketers with the audacity to label their product as “smart” should notice how dumb that makes me look. I have this great idea for an app that tells you shit that you actually need to know, like you have a new text message, and it says “the light is green” or “you’re going to fall in that hole, dummy.”
Another great thing that this app could do is help you with your social life. It could notify you when someone new walks into the room, identify the person, read their mood, assess what the hell they want to bother you with, and report the information to you on a ticker that crosses your screen. This would save many of us from the burden of actually looking up at or listening to people. You could upload photos of your kids doing “activities” onto facebook while this app tells you that they’re asking what you’re going to do for dinner.
“I don’t know what’s for dinner. Let me ask my phone!” You’ll say. “Okay. I googled it. We’re having summer squash with chicken breast.” (I really did). But your phone knows the kids hate squash, so what’s up with that? The phone knows you hate the kids, that’s what. Phone is looking out for you in ways you never thought it would.
Have you ever asked your phone why you’re so stupid? I did! It said I was a forty year old man who loved my TVs more than my wife. Grossly innaccurate. My app would say, “You’re stupeh by choice, but I’ll take care of you.”
We should just vacate the planet and leave all of our smart phones in the center of crumpled outfits so that when the visitors come, it’ll be like we all morphed into devices. You go first, though. I’m down to 4th place in Bejeweled Blitz. Time to “do some work.”