Guess what. Even before the video of the girl walking into the fountain, I knew something very important was missing from our electronic devices. Like, sometimes I text or play words at stoplights, and the light will turn green without me knowing, and then the person behind me will honk (rude), or I’ll miss the green light completely (fucking up my trip). I think marketers with the audacity to label their product as “smart” should notice how dumb that makes me look. I have this great idea for an app that tells you shit that you actually need to know, like you have a new text message, and it says “the light is green” or “you’re going to fall in that hole, dummy.”
Another great thing that this app could do is help you with your social life. It could notify you when someone new walks into the room, identify the person, read their mood, assess what the hell they want to bother you with, and report the information to you on a ticker that crosses your screen. This would save many of us from the burden of actually looking up at or listening to people. You could upload photos of your kids doing “activities” onto facebook while this app tells you that they’re asking what you’re going to do for dinner.
“I don’t know what’s for dinner. Let me ask my phone!” You’ll say. “Okay. I googled it. We’re having summer squash with chicken breast.” (I really did). But your phone knows the kids hate squash, so what’s up with that? The phone knows you hate the kids, that’s what. Phone is looking out for you in ways you never thought it would.
Have you ever asked your phone why you’re so stupid? I did! It said I was a forty year old man who loved my TVs more than my wife. Grossly innaccurate. My app would say, “You’re stupeh by choice, but I’ll take care of you.”
We should just vacate the planet and leave all of our smart phones in the center of crumpled outfits so that when the visitors come, it’ll be like we all morphed into devices. You go first, though. I’m down to 4th place in Bejeweled Blitz. Time to “do some work.”