I must tell you about the jerky I’m eating right now.  It is Trader Joe’s Natural Buffalo Jerky, and it is almost all gone.  This bag of jerky made me grateful that people invented cutting large animals into small pieces and dehydrating the bejeesus out of them.  In fact, I love this Buffalo Jerky so much that I want to be it.  When I die, I want Trader Joe to cut me up and dehydrate me.  I want my dehydrated sweet and spicy jerky body to be given to my daughter as punishment for being annoying to me this morning. 

“Wah! I don’t want to eat my mom!”

“You should have thought of that before you decided to eat your cereal slowly on the morning of March 29, 2011.  Everything comes back to you, kid.”

She probably wont eat it, so I’m going to have a letter prepared to be sent to her about a month after she receives the Me Jerky.

Dear Daughter,

What?  Now that I’m all dead and dried up, you think you’re too good for me?  You sure were singing a different tune back in the baby days when you were sucking the life out of me.  I had to eat almost a dozen Krispy Kremes a day to replenish all the nutrients you practically stole from me.  In fact, you probably killed me.  Eat your cereal faster, and eat the Me Jerky!

Love always,

Mom