Do you remember ever seeing an anorexia nervosa movie in health class? I do, and I remember thinking how lucky the girl was for being able to have the self control to starve to death and become superthin. I went looking for a link to the actual movie we watched, but I found something even better: an article about how peaceful it is to starve to death. I think I might have made a breakthrough in science and am ready for my science award because I figured out that anorexia is good! Think about it. Smaller people eat less food, use less gas and wear smaller clothes. Hello! Smaller person=smaller carbon footprint. The big deal people make about anorexia is that anorexics starve to death. Now that you know how peaceful that is, and that we are all going to die anyway, it only seems logical that we should all be anorexic.
So what I’ve been doing lately is comparing myself to thin objects. I’ll pick up a butterknife at work and ask myself, ‘does this knife make me feel thin?’ If the answer is no, then I have to not eat. It’s like a Green Eggs and Ham fitness test. “Am I skinny over here? Am I skinny in a box?” I was walking through the restaurant carrying a receipt to its table when I thought to myself that I did not feel skinny next to it, and I got so pissed at that piece of paper. It was like I let this skinny piece of paper ruin my night. Then I thought to myself that paper companies are pretty insensitive for making a product that is so thin it makes me feel fat. Then I thought that my place of employment has so many objects that I feel fat next to, and that no one does anything about. Hello! Drinking straws, rolled-up napkins, linguini noodles, lemon twists, and tons of other items are always going to be more skinny than me. Furthermore, they are constantly waving food in front of my face and making me actually carry it out for people to eat. My place of employment is basically terrorizing my mind and killing the Earth, so I’m looking for a new job as a scientist in the field of super smart science ideas.