Posted: October 12th, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: I'm not going to lie, Running keeps insanity in check...or does it?, Weird ways to be a womanly woman of womanity | Tags: camelbak, fanny packs, funny, I have really good ideas, outfits | No Comments »
Your purse just bit you and got you robbed. Who's dorky now?
We definitely have a mixed bag of things to discuss here, or should I say bags? Or should I say waist-fastening bags?! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Fanny packs. Let’s talk about them. We had our first “discussion” about fanny packs back in may when I discovered the distance runner’s dirty little secret. It’s not even that dirty…it’s just a link to my Camelbak blog. It wasn’t a discussion either that’s why there are “”s around that. Well time has progressed since ye auld fanny pack monologue, and we are in October. In the moons twixt now and then I have learned many things. I have learned that I can still lose things regardless of this incessant sobriety, and that things need to be carried around, AND things need to be carried around around my waist but not in an ugly way. I know you’re wondering ‘why the waist?’ The reason you’re wondering that is the same reason why you would buy a bag just because it says the word ‘Coach’ on it. You don’t think! I’m going to make a whole list of reasons that fanny packs are better starting with number one…..
1. Fanny-packs are theft deterrent. Have you ever heard of anyone getting belt-snatched on the street? NO you haven’t because it’s not easy to steal a belt. Also, belts aren’t even that great. Why don’t you just get pants that fit, and you won’t have to worry about people stealing your belt. Jesus.
2. You don’t have to put it down to do things with your hands. Have you ever done anything with your hands? It’s easier when you’re not holding something. Hands-free, people! don’t they make everything hands-free? Why not our bags? I’ll tell you why. Sexism. It’s true. Men meet up in secret cigar rooms and plan this shit. “Oh hey, how can we slow down those uppity dames?” “I know! Make them carry something at all times so that they are super slower when we are trying to chase them down the street.”
People are getting chased. Not chaste.
3. You’re dance moves are way better when you’re not holding a bag, and it makes everyone less (and more) nervous. Have you ever been to a party and just didn’t want to put your purse down but needed it for one reason or another? Annoying right? At a club and you and all your girlfriends leave your purses in a pile while you dance? That’s pretty stupid and nerve-racking and distracting enough to make you a target for being chased later when all the cigar-smoking males have become sex-crazed from lurking on the dance-floor. Not chaste.
4. You can hold your bfs hand while walking down the street without having to switch sides with your purse. I don’t know why this is so annoying. It just is. I hate my shoulder bag, you guys. But also I hear that I might not have to worry about hand-holding activities while wearing a fanny-pack because of the ‘dorkiness factor,’ and this is where I need all of you to come in and unite for a better future of being able to carry things without arms. While we’re at it, think about the people without arms. Don’t they deserve more attractive fanny-packs? Don’t we all?
Also while we are on the subject of being chased, I have to put this out there in the hopes that maybe a doctor reads it. This is my new form of seeking medical attention besides google since I don’t have health insurance. I have not really been able to run for the past few weeks because of a pain that extends from the right of my lower back down to the front of my knee. Because of this, I am experiencing a terrible sadness and many lower back pain google sessions. I wish I had health care, America.
to be continued…
Posted: May 24th, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: I'm not going to lie, Weird ways to fail at men. | Tags: camelbak, farmville, funny, I have really good ideas, outfits, summer shoes | 3 Comments »
Please stop them
I am one of summertime’s #1 fans. It is unfortunate that one of the best seasons is tainted by what happens to shoes during it, or rather what happens to feet. See, with the heat and water activities one has to wear atrocities such as flip-flops, water shoes, and other gross strappy toe-exposing contraptions. To the right is an artist’s rendition of my boyfriend Farmville’s summer/lounge shoes. I call him Farmville because he is an internet sensation that keeps me coming back. Anyways his floppitys are black rubber and from Korea. He is very into them and I am very into him, so by default I should be into them, right? Wrong. Oh so very wrong. On a few occasions I have had to see them being worn with socks about the house and even once I saw them in a sacred public place of coffee-drinking. I understand the attraction a wearer of this type of shoes has for them. They can easily be slipped on and off without lacing or velcroing or caring about people’s eyes, but I think they need to be stopped. I think we can solve this by inventing some kind of hover device that prevents the soles from touching the ground and enables a summer-long liberation from footwear. I also think that this alien guy who stole Farmville’s shoes in the artist’s rendition of them should steal them in real life and take them far away to outer space. Outer space is at the top of a really big hill that I tried to climb the other day but couldn’t master because I ran out of water. I think if the alien guy took Farmville’s shoes to outer-space, Farmville would definitely not be able to find them because he does not have the equipment for becoming half-camel like me.
Posted: May 11th, 2011 | Author: Stupeh | Filed under: It's a parent, Running keeps insanity in check...or does it?, Weird ways to be a womanly woman of womanity | Tags: camelbak, fanny packs, I have really good ideas, outfits, running, vanity | 1 Comment »
- I don’t need no Capri Sun. I’m SET.
People are always seeing me eat a thing of brownies or a tub of mashed potatoes and asking me how I stay so Hamorexic. The answer is that I am a nutcase. Let me tell you a story.
There was this one day in the not so distant past when I was on a DP run. After having gone about five miles including some pretty fucking fuck yeah barsky scaler mountain incline trails, I got back onto the street and had a pumping myself up thought inside of my head. I thought, ‘self, let’s take it to the ocean. Forest Gump it.’ Hey. Why not? Right?
I’ll tell you why not. By the time I got to the beach, I had run 8 miles and hadn’t eaten any breakfast and had a piddly amount of coffee as my hydration source. I like saying “hydration source” because it makes me feel like a humanbot. So I was basically starving and thirsting to death about three miles away from home. I could not run anymore and decided to walk to my daughter’s school, scan yards for unguarded citrus trees, and finally steal my baby’s lunch and Capri Sun. Keep to thine own self your judgment about stealing food from kids. Who will sustain the child if her mom perishes on the sidewalk? Not you. You’re too busy reading blogs on the internet to care about children orpaned by extreme excercise.
Anyways, after this experience I came up with the Final Solution. The Final Solution was not to put people in ovens and gas them, it was to buy the best thing in the world: a Camelbak fannypack. At first it felt awkward, but that was before I realized I was trying to ultra low-rise it like the hip mommas do and not wearing it at my true waist. After the fifth mile I hiked it up to my belly/don’t ever push button, and not only did I look really cool, but I had 1.5 liters of drinking water and a peanut butter and honey sandwich on my person. This enabled me to run almost ten miles easy-peazy lemon squeezy.
Unfortunately, someone peed on all the toilet seats at the beach bathroom, so that was gross.
Camelback fannypack is my new thing to be in love with.
Guess what else.
I will survive the zombie invasion so much better than all of you mostlies.